Aw, the real job. This is what so many servers are dreaming about day and night. Some unfortunate few actually momentarily locate this elusive dream called the real job. We sling our chicken fried steak while hoping for this real job. We take orders with a glimmer of optimism that we too will one day make it to the other side of this real job phenomenon. What is this real job? It’s that corporate ladder. You know that thing you never get to the top of, where you wake up before the sun (this is so unnatural) and get all dressed up in itchy, uncomfortable monkey suits, fight traffic like a pit bull with the rest of the other zombies, maybe even get to pay to park. MMMM, the real job perks. Have I sold you on this real job yet? Ok, hang on, here comes the good stuff. You get to sit in a cubical all day next to a guy named Teddy and be poisoned by the florescent lighting. Aw, this real job is sounding great, isn’t it? Are you sold yet? Oh yeah, did I mention you get an hour for lunch, that is if you are lucky. You might even get to go out to lunch with a group of coworkers that insist on having their server split the check because they can’t do simple math, or even worse, they don’t want to pay one cent too much. Oh, you recognize these cheap ridiculous people do you? You get the privilege of seeing them in action every day. Ok let’s get back to work; our lunch hour is almost over and we don’t want to be late punching the clock. You get back to work and you boring day picks up right where it left off just like it does every other day of your life. A trip to the bathroom sounds like fun because you are so bored stiff. You get to wait in line at the water fountain and fall asleep at your desk about 2:00 pm because they are playing Kenny G on the office radio. Wake up, it’s time to get back in that real job traffic so you can get home 30-45 minutes later. Yuck!

Did I mention that on the weekends, everywhere you go is completely filled with these real job people. I call them amateurs.

Oh yeah, another great perk, you get to pay taxes on what you actually earn, not what you “say you earn”. Uncle Sam will finally get his fair cut. (Side note, there is no law that requires Americans to pay taxes on their labor; we just do it because we love paying off the debt of the Federal Reserve, which is about at federal as Federal Express. In other words is a privately owned bank, run by private citizens for profit. Don’t believe what I am saying? Check out the documentary “America, Freedom to Fascism” by Aaron Russo).

Wake up people! At all costs, you must stay away from this illusion. Oh I know, you will probably want to test it out on your own a few times, but you will be back, they always are. Who wants a real job anyway when you can sleep late, have the mall to yourself, take a three hour lunch break, drive during the free flowing traffic times, get lots of exercise, hang out with cool people that aren’t so uptight, get discounts on great food, have the flexibility to do what you need to do. Leave the “real job” to the chumps and keep doing what you love.

Why do you think most of the people that are sitting in your section are so unhappy, bitter, and rude? It’s because they found this elusive real job and got stuck in it, like a roach motel, and wish they could get back to your care free, frivolous spending, late night lifestyle because they haven’t watched the sun come up from a stranger’s balcony on a Tuesday in years.

Come on guys, can’t you see that this real job is a trap? It’s time we make a decision to love what it is we do. Love the fact that we can meet new people every day and have the freedom to tell our boss what we really think and still have another job before the day is over. Who knows we just might decide to live in another state next week. Can a real job give you this kind of freedom? No way! Who wants to keep an updated resume and play office politics? Not me! That’s why I serve you! Hey why don’t you come work for 86BadTips.com showing our T-Shirts? At least I will help you get paid. 

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